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5:09 p.m. - 2021-06-22 Long story short, I've met someone new and he's great. We've been dating for almost a year and things have been pretty great between us. He's a very sweet man, and is everything I've been looking for. Lately we've been working on his house together and I have been noticing sometimes that he gets frustrated with me over little things sometimes. It could be that there's a lot of stress in his life right now and that's seeping into our relationship, it could be that I can be pushy sometimes, or overly involved. Maybe I am just too eager to be a part of his life and he's not there yet... I am not sure. There are just times where I can tell his patience with me is short when I am trying to help him, so maybe I am just too "in his business" and I should back off a bit. I just don't want him to feel alone or like he has to do everything by himself. But maybe I am over-doing it. I am afraid of ending up in a situation where I am too smothering and then he doesn't want me around, or will end up wanting "space."
He was so lovey-dovey when he was up in Pennsylvania for work and he was missing me a lot. Now that he's closer, I feel like a lot of that has faded. The "I love you's" have slowly morphed into just "love you" and some of that is natural over time, some of that is reflective of the level of adoration that someone has for you. It sounds silly, but there's a big difference in the 2 vs 3 word phrase... there's even a song about the difference between the two and how one is just "kinda" and the other is a definite proclamation. But, I tend to over-analyze everything, so here we are. Thinking back on just the past couple months, the "I love you" phase died down pretty quickly to the point where it feels rehearsed, which feels super sad for me. Especially with our anniversary coming up... I don't know why I am always so lovey-dovey. Maybe it was because of my childhood. Growing up never feeling loved can really leave an impression on you, and how much it hurts to feel that way... making sure that you never make a person you love feel like that. Growing up always feeling depressed, scared, alone, worthless, hopeless, and unloved really does a mental number on you. No wonder I over-analyze everything. In our house you weren't worthy of love unless you were perfect, and we all know that's not attainable for any human being. The anger, sadness, melancholy and sorrow in our house was overwhelming. There were many times where I didn't think I would make it out alive. So many times where I didn't want to. Never knowing love growing up really stunts your emotional intelligence, and your ability to have a healthy loving relationship with others. For so long, I put up with things I didn't deserve because I didn't know any better. I didn't know that I deserved better because no one ever showed me. Finally after reaching my breaking point in several relationships, I finally found information on self-love. I learned what a healthy relationship looks like by reading about them, starting with yourself. lol How sad is that... I am still emotionally stunted though, reading can't teach you everything about such an experiential subject. I'm still terrible at talking about my feelings, and I know that. I repress everything because that's what I learned to do growing up. I am overly-sensitive towards things when it comes to those I love, and so when I get upset, I feel like I am overreacting and that I should just let it go... so I pretend things are fine until I can emotionally calm down and let it slip to the back of my mind where it will stay until the next time I get upset. Someday these things will add up to enough of a reason to be done. That's how I operate. It's not healthy, but it's all I have ever known.
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