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12:05 p.m. - October 17, 2021
Every time
So we've been working on Rolf's house for the past few months on the weekends, which means I drive to his house on Friday night and usually leave Monday morning.

Recently things just feel off. He's started asking when I am leaving, whether it's going to be Sunday at some point or Monday. He could just be asking out of curiosity, or he could be asking for other reasons... The negative side of me says he's asking because he needs to know whether or not someone else can come by or not.

It feels like he's secretive with his phone, but I could just be overly paranoid based on my previous experience with men and cheating. I don't want to think that he would do that to me, but I also didn't think that several of my previous bfs would do that either... so yeah.

Lately it seems like I'm just annoying him more than anything. When we're together the only things he really says about me are pointing out things that are annoying or negative qualities... doesn't really make me want to be around him. I feel like I'm always complimenting him and telling him how wonderful he is, and it doesn't feel like he feels the same way about me. (Jeez, how many times have I been here before?)

We went on a walk last night because I was tired of just laying around watching TV, and of course that was annoying that I wanted to go for a walk. We went to the golf course near his house, and it was dusk so it was going to be a short walk anyway. It was starting to get cold out so tried to sneak my hand in his jacket pocket, and that was just annoying to him. Then I mentioned that we might need to turn the heat on tonight and of course that comment was met with disbelief and the attitude that I'm just difficult and needy.... cool. So I just said I would be fine with the blankets, not worth arguing over or making any drama from it.

Then while we're walking, I brought water since I tend to get thirsty, and if I get overly thirsty I tend to get nauseous... and the water was sloshing in the bottle, which caught his attention, which prompted a frustrated "you and your water bottles..." comment. Awesome. Feeling pretty great at this point so my last comment on our walk was "So is there anything else besides the 15 things that just happened that annoy you that you'd like to bring up?" At this point I'm just wondering why the fuck he even dates me. Everything seems to be annoying to him. Nothing I do is cute, or endearing, or adorable... it's all just annoying apparently.

So, I just decide to stop talking, cut my losses, make it a short walk and just try to get home without any other comments. He's not super complimentary towards me anyway, so there's not much to balance out the negative comments and there's just only so much I can take before I start to feel like total crap and wonder why he even likes me. While I was silent the rest of the walk, I couldn't tell if he was uncomfortable with the silence or realized that I just called him out for being a douche, but he tried to make small talk while he walked. I just didn't even care. I had no interest in engaging in conversation at that point. I'm sure if I had said anything other than a short comment to agree with him it would have just prompted more negativity from him.

After our walk, I just didn't want to be around him anymore, but leaving at night like that would seem suspicious and I didn't want to draw attention to the situation, so I just decided I would sleep over and leave in the morning.

Morning comes, and of course, the only reason he touches me or cuddles me involves sex, unless he wants me to cuddle him and scratch his back. So I am awoken by being shaken and mock-fucked from behind. I know if I had woken him like that it's not likely that he would be happy about it. I'm sure it would be met with comments about how annoying or obnoxious I am (shocking).

Anyway, he cuddles up under the blankets with me and starts rubbing me, and I couldn't be further from being in the mood so I'm just laying there. I am so disinterested in sex in that moment. After being made to feel like I'm just annoying to him, and then to really only be touched when he wants sex -- how could you not feel like you're being used? So after a few mins of trying to get me in the mood, he gives up, rolls over and starts masturbating, which is fine with me. At least it's fast. So I at least help him with that and as soon as he's done he rolls on his side and turns his back to me... very likely waiting for back scratches. I of course don't indulge this because why would I? I feel like complete shit, and the 3 minutes of touching I've received this weekend was just because he wanted sex. So, I roll the opposite way as well so that we're butt to butt, and of course, this prompted a comment from him because apparently it's ok for him to do that, but not for me. Mkay.

So after he realizes that I'm not going to cuddle him and scratch his back, he leaves and goes back up to his bed. I decide to get up and jump in the shower bc I'm freezing and I need to wash my hair.

After the shower, I do all my hair and makeup stuff at my little table in his front room. I am just enjoying the time to myself, slowly putting lotion on my face, and my mascara, just drawing out the morning spending time by myself as much as I can. I'm doing some self-care to try to make myself feel better and I'm interrupted when I hear him basically dying in the kitchen, as he's trying to make breakfast but his back is killing him. So I try to tell him to go lay down and I'll finish up, while he's bending over to open the oven and he snaps at me to just leave him alone or I'll make it worse by hurting him while he's trying to do things.

So at that point I just walk out of the kitchen and go back to my table to finish up my makeup and getting dressed. I am almost done, so I go to his mudroom to grab some deodorant and he comes up behind me to, I think, try to be playful to counter-act the snapping earlier. And I'm putting my perfume on and some of it gets on him, and his only comment was how stinky it is. I don't think he likes any perfume I have. He's never once commented on one that he liked it so I'm just not going to wear anything around him any more, it's just a waste.

While I walk back to my table he also made some kind of comment about how my house also gets musty and stinky and that it's probably due to the cats, and at that point I just don't even care to be talking to him. Everything out of his mouth for the past morning and last evening has just been negative and I just don't want to engage, so I just try to agree with him to end the conversation. Even if he doesn't notice he's doing it, it tells me a lot about how he actually feels towards me when these are the only kind of comments he makes.

I just couldn't wait to get out of there this morning. And of course while I'm packing he's on his phone, probably texting someone else. I don't even care at this point. If it's all going to fall apart, I would just let it. I'm so tired of this shit. I'm so tired of every relationship ending up here.

I came home and one of the first things I did was get my white board out to write a reminder to myself;


-- You are all you have
-- You cannot trust others
-- You cannot depend on others
-- Other people will just use you
-- No one cares about you any more than they have to in order to keep you around so that they can keep using you
-- You cannot base your life choices around hypothetical plans that you think you've made with others - they likely are making other plans without you
-- You will get fucked over like you do every single time

So, I'm just going to do my own thing, work on finishing my house, and live my life the way I want to without waiting on others or expecting that plans that I've made with other people will pan out, because they never do.


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