4:52 p.m. - 14 July 2021
Is this how it's going to be for the next couple years?
So Rolf and I have been dating just over a year now. He seems to be miserable pretty often. He was really lovey-dovey while he was up in PA for work, but that was just because he was too far away for us to see each other, and he was rooming with a friend, which I'm sure they talked about me at least at some point, making him realize how much he cared for me.

But now he's living in Springfield, and it's a shithole town. He hates his job. We see each other sometimes during the week when I drive 3 hours to stay with him. And we spend time at his place on the weekends to work on his house. I am barely home anymore. I also feel like spending all this time together is causing him to feel more "comfortable" which translates into taking each other for granted, and no longer communicating how much we care for each other. It's sad.

We don't talk during the day, at least on weekdays unless I text him. And even then it's just a response... it's unusual for him to text me first, or even ask me a question in response to my text. A simple "how is your day so far?" would be nice every now and then.

Part of this is probably due to him being miserable, which I get. But at the same time, you'd think that talking to me would bring him some form of solace or comfort which would make it more likely for him to talk to me, but that's not the case. He says he gets distanced when he's unhappy... which is not a great thing for me because then I can't tell if I'm smothering him and he needs space or if he needs attention. In either case, it never seems like he's ever concerned about how I am feeling or doing.

I had a terrible sinus headache yesterday that spanned into today. He never asked me yesterday how I was doing so I just brought it up, and of course he was apologetic; "I am sorry sweetie", but that's as far as it goes. I feel like I always say what I would do to make the situation better if we were together, like rub his head or his feet or something else sweet, but I don't get that from him.

I don't get that level of attention. It's rare that he physically touches me to make me feel good unless it's for sex. I don't want to complain because he is a good man. Sometimes it just feels like I am just here for whenever he needs something from me... which is how I have felt in all other relationships too. And it just makes me depressed to feel that way. He is a much better man than anyone I've had in the past, so I should be grateful. Some days I just need extra love too and it just feels like we're always centered around how shitty his life is that he doesn't consider anything beyond that (meaning wondering how anyone else is doing/feeling) because he's so caught up in just feeling sorry for himself and his situation.

I just feel myself slowly becoming detached. It's a defense mechanism that has served me well in the past, so my brain holds on to it tightly. When I feel someone starts caring less about me, I automatically start to do the same. I've had nothing but disappointment in past relationships where I've been used just for what the other person can get out of me. I am a very caring person in relationships, and it gets taken advantage of every time. I am generous, sweet, loving, empathetic, and I go above and beyond to ensure the person I am with feels cared for. Unfortunately men just aren't built with that same capacity it seems.

I thought this one would be different. But I find myself wondering if I want to move forward into something more serious, like marriage? I had always thought I wanted to get married. It sounds so dreamy and romantic. I've always wanted that. To have a day where you celebrate starting your lives as a couple bonded for life, just always sounded like a fairy tale.

But now when I think about marriage after all my failed relationships, I just start to wonder if marriage is a smart thing for me to even pursue. I really don't want to have to go through a divorce. I always wanted to marry someone that I would spend the rest of my life with... but people are so disappointing. Everyone will let you down at some point. Everyone is selfish and will never put your needs first. Everyone will make you feel alone at some point, even when you're together.

Rolf and I were talking about living together and what we both wanted in a property. I mentioned having a "she shed" and he seemed somewhat offended. When I think of it, it's a private space for me to do whatever I want, or have time with my girlfriends, or just to be alone if I need "me time." I guess what he heard was that it would be a place for me to go when I needed to get away from him.
But what I realized from that conversation was that my wanting a "she shed" was a way for me to hold on to my independence. I like living alone. I like being alone a majority of the time. I could even do a long distance relationship because I have no problem being physically alone, and I enjoy relationships that center around communication. I realized that that "she shed" was a place I wanted so that I could hide if I needed to.

Sometimes I am just feeling emotional, or I feel like I'm over reacting to something and I just need time to feel my feelings and let them pass.

Anyway... I don't know... I am just rambling. I am likely feeling down and overly analytical because it's shark week. That usually does it for me. I definitely become more emotional when hormones are running high.

I know I also over analyze more when I am hormonal. For instance... lately I've noticed that Rolf more often than not will omit the "I" in his statements of affection, i.e. "Love you" instead of "I love you" or "Miss you".

This drives me nuts. I really hate it. It just sounds so lazy and half ass to me. It's like why bother saying it if you only kind of mean it. Just leave it out altogether if you can't say it like you mean it. It just pisses me off more than anything. You're better off just not saying anything.

"Love you" and "Miss you" are the equivalent of saying "I kind of love/miss you, but not enough to say it with conviction." I am going to start using these phrases exclusively and see if it feels the same for Rolf. Not to be vengeful, but honestly just to see if he feels that there is a difference. Some people don't believe that there is a difference. I certainly do, and I feel like if I asked Rolf he would say there's no difference, but I bet if I don't say anything and I start using those phrases exclusively, I bet he will feel like something is off. BECAUSE THEY AREN'T THE FUCKING SAME THING. They don't carry the same weight, or meaning.

"Love you" or "Miss you" is something you say to friends/family/relatives. Not something you casually throw around to your significant other. They deserve the "I", they deserve to feel like you actually mean it. If you're at the point where you're just reciting the phrases because your relationship is that robotic now, then I am truly sorry for you. There are just things in life that are worth taking an extra 5 seconds to truly let your significant other know that you care about them, every single day. It takes essentially no effort, but it will have a significant effect.

Take the time to appreciate your partner. They may not always be in your life, and every day is a chance that they might not come home to you. Keep that in mind.

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